Jonas Gardell: Mormor Gråter

Jonas Gardell

Mormor Gråter (Grandma’s Crying) by Jonas Gardell

English translation by thebbeenn
Translation is not literal. Though the original jist remains, some sentences and concepts have been changed do better fit English casual language.

Dad: There, not bad huh!
Son in Puberty (SiP): It’s all slanted.
Dad: No it’s not. Chistmas trees look like that.
SiP: It’s still slanted
Mom: There there, no bickering you two!
Fia (little sister): I wanna hang the glitter!
Yngve (little brother): No I’M hanging the glitter!!
Fia: Mom! Tell him!
Mom: There there, stop fighting, Yngve!
Dad: Stop shouting the both of you, or NONE of you hangs the glitter!
Yngve & Fia: Screw you, old fart!
Dad: That does it! No glitter at ALL this year!
Mom: Oh Carl, please don’t be mean to them.
Dad: They gotta learn to stop whining!
SiP: Actually it’s even more slanted now.
Dad: No it’s not!
SiP: It SO is!
Dad: No it’s not. You’re just in puberty!
SiP: It’s totally gonna topple over.
Dad: Be quiet! Not another word, you hear!
Fia: Mommy mommy Grandma’s CRYING!
Dad: Nonsense! Her eyes are just runny, like on all old people.
Mom: Well I’m going out to the kitchen to finish the ham (kinda like the turky)
SiP: When are we eating?
Mom: Oh **tsk** I don’t know. You’ll have to check TVGuide! (obviously distracted)

Later, from the kitchen
Mom: Food’s ready! Time for Christmas dinner!
Nobody comes… except for Grandma.
Grandma: Ooh there you are!
Mom: A little ham sounds good right about now, yes? FOOD’s ready, we’re eating!
Yngve: Aw mo–m you need to shut up. Donald Duck is on!
Mom: But what about all this food!
Yngve: We’ll have to eat later of course. Grandma’s crying anyway.
Mom: No she’s not, she just got smoke in her eyes from the candles.
TV host: And now a Chistmas Greeting Special from Walt Disney!
Dad: Isn’t the picture a little grainy? **starts re-tuning**
Yngve & Fia: STOP it’s good now!
Dad: Nonsense, I’m just gonna… **picture disappears completely**
Yngve/Fia/SiP: DAD!!!
Dad: Yeah yeah yeah **continues to tune, picture returns**
Dad: Colors are a little blurry aren’t they??
Yngve/Fia/SiP: WE HATE YOU!
Santa (on TV): Say mama.
Doll: Mama!
Santa: Ho ho ho ho.
Grandma: Ooh there you are!
Yngve/Fia: Grandmaaa you’re in front of the TV. Aw (tsk) she’s crying again.
SiP: The Christmas tree looks even more slanted now.
Dad: Bah!
Mowgli (on TV): Eat ants?
Baloo (on TV): That’s right! Tickes the belly!
Mom: I should go see to the food.
SiP: It’s SO gonna topple. The “foot” is too weak.
Dad: You be quiet, you hear!
The Christmas tree topples over.
Dad: Aw fuck!
Hummingbirds (on TV): Zum zum zum zum zum.
SiP: Hate to say I told ya so!
Dad: You didn’t say nuthin, c’mon help me here! **grabs tree**
Yngve & Fia: Daaad you’re infront of the TV, can’t you do that later?
Dad: The tree has fallen on Grandma, goddamn it!
Fia: Well now is “Ferdinand the Bull” so…
Dad: Oh… well in that case **drops the tree**
Grandma: Oommpph.
Ferdinand (on TV): I like it better here, where I can smell the flowers.
Yngve: Daddy daddy Grandma’s CRYING!
Dad: Yeah well what the hell would you’ve done if you had a tree on top of you?
Grandma: Ooommph.
Dad: And a straw angel in yer mouth.
Mom: Well I just came to say, the mashed potatoes have now gone cold. Now you get to eat cold mashed potatoes. That’s all I have to say.
Narrator (on TV): And he is SO happy.

Later at the dinner table.
Mom: Oh so you all wanna eat now? Well go on, sit down then everyone, now that the food’s gone cold and all. Hope you’re all happy now that I’m hurt. I’ve slaved for hours in the kitchen, been awake all last night to make the perfect Chistmas dinner.
But by all mean, dig in, chow down and don’t thank me or anything. Well the though of it.
Do like your father. See how he greedily takes lots of ham to his plate.
All I can think about is that this ham once was on a happy carefree little pig.
All I can think about is how this happy carefree little pig once had a mother who bore him in her whomb.
All I can think about… what were her hopes and dreams, what were her trials and hardships.
Fia: I don’t think I want any ham. I don’t want it, I don’t want it! I just want veggies!
Mom: Oh really… the food’s not good enough. Swell, just swell. Nice of Fia to spit your own mother in the face on the very Christmas Eve, no less!
Dad: Ok ok let’s just eat now. Let’s enjoy this dinner quietly.
SiP: Who’s chewing for Grandma?
Dad: Don’t tell me the bitch forgot her teeth again!
Yngve: I’m not doing it, it’s Fia’s turn!
Fia: Aw.**tsk** Like it SO is NOT!
Mom: There there don’t fight now kids. I believe we could wet some bread.
Grandma: Oh there you are.
Dad: **spits out ham** Yuck! The ham’s not cooked enough!
Mom: Well it wasn’t my idea to cook it in the microwave.
Dad: Oh who’s idea was it then? Mine?
Mom/Yngve/Fia/SiP: YES!
Dad: **points at Mom** See, this is so fuckin’ like you! Turn the whole fuckin’ family against me!
Mom: Hey! If this had been a play written by Strindberg, you’d practically be wearing a straitjacket by now!
Dad: Maybe, but it this was a play written by Norén, YOU’d be ashes in an urn on our mantle piece!
SiP:Oh c’mon stop it both of you. You just can’t go around thinking like that! I mean, if this was a play written by Jonas Gardell, I’d be a fag!
Mom/Dad: It IS written by Jonas Gardell!
Mom/Dad/Yngve/Fia: Busted!
Yngve: Mommy mommy Grandma’s CRYING!
Mom: Yeah who the fuck wouldn’t – with one of THOSE in the family!

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